Smoke and Mirrors
A randezvous with two asylum seekers from the Edgware Dragons doesn’t quite go to plan… Cast * Janine De Luca * Sam Yao * Jody Marsh * Amelia Spens * Jones * Evans Plot De Luca Wears An Eye-Patch Today you’re out with Amelia and Janine, meeting two ex-members of the Edgware Dragons. Unfortunately they both fell for Ian Golightly’s Ministry propaganda, and refuse to believe you’re with the real Janine. They hold you at gunpoint and demand to be taken to Abel. Very Personable Your captors, Evans and Jones, recount some of the more… outlandish details of Ian’s broadcasts. Amelia successfully convinces them that Janine is in fact Jody. Sam suggests you keep them away from Abel, due to a huge zombie horde. Along This Field And To The North Janine does her best Jody impression, and somehow your kidnappers are fooled. They do realise that you’re not leading them to Abel however, which upsets Jones, so you abandon that plan despite the zoms. Cover The Others Sam’s new plan involves giving the people what they want - Jody, dressed up as Janine. While she gets ready, Janine tries to extract information from Jones. Carrot, Stick Amelia tricks Evans into giving her the gun, upsetting Jones enough that he reveals he planted a zombie attracting device in Abel. Amelia marches him and Evans back to Abel at gunpoint to retrieve this attractor. Those Zoms Are Almost Through Jody makes her way to you through the zoms, dressed as Janine. Evans believes ‘Janine’ always keeps promises, so reveals the location of the zombie attractor when Jody promises to tell them whatever they want. The Core Of Sigrid’s Computer You smash the attractor, and finally discover that Jones and Evans believe Abel captured Jones’ wife, Milly. Jones was willing to divulge the location of an ANNIE core in exchange for Abel’s ‘secret files’ on Milly, but as this was just more misinformation from Sigrid, and you can’t ‘tell the truth’, he won’t tell you now. S07E08 // Rofflenet Discussion regarding this mission can be found on Rofflenet Transcript SAM YAO: Bloody hell. A moor, a dead tree struck by lightning. These Edgeware Dragons have picked a bleak spot. JANINE DE LUCA: You may remember visiting the Edgeware Dragons with Mr. Valmont, Five. We’re meeting two of their number here today who wish to claim asylum at Abel. AMELIA SPENS: Not exactly an original idea. With all the new refugees, Abel smells noticeably of cheese and nappies. SAM YAO: Yeah. We’re sleeping four to a one-person room at the moment. AMELIA SPENS: Well, Fort Canton’s happy to help by rehousing the more interesting characters. SAM YAO: The more useful to you, you mean. AMELIA SPENS: I find things that are useful to me interesting. The Edgeware Dragons held a lot of Sigrid’s data storage. They might have useful intel or hardware. And if not, I’m happy for them to join the merry throng at Abel. JANINE DE LUCA: Ever the humanitarian. That must be them. Runner Five, two figures waiting by the blasted oak. Excuse me, are you Edgeware Dragons? JONES: Who’s asking? JANINE DE LUCA: I’m from Abel Township - AMELIA SPENS: I’m Amelia Spens, duly elected leader of Fort Canton, happy to discuss any data - JONES: rustles, weapon clicks I don’t give a crap about Fort Canton. I’m here for De Luca. SAM YAO: Oh, he’s pulled a gun out! JANINE DE LUCA: I’m Colonel Janine De Luca. There is no need to brandish a weapon. I’m happy to speak with you. EVANS: Nice try. We want Janine De Luca, not some impersonator. JONES: Colonel De Luca would never be out in public without her cat suit. AMELIA SPENS: Dear Lord. JONES: Ian Golightly’s broadcasts were very clear. De Luca wears an eye patch. You have two working eyes. AMELIA SPENS: Well, fake Janine, this man is going to actual shoot me unless you - what is it that you want? JONES: Take us to Abel! Now! EVANS: Run! AMELIA SPENS: So um, why is it that you want to talk to Janine De Luca? JONES: That’s for us to know and for her to find out. EVANS: Yeah, she’ll find out. AMELIA SPENS: You know, this is Runner Five. Perhaps you could just whisper your demands to Five, here. JONES: We’re not saying anything to Five. You’re the world’s greatest criminal, cold-blooded killer, the scourge of all free people! EVANS: Free people, yeah! JANINE DE LUCA: I believe that to be a word-for-word quote from one of Mr. Golightly’s more florid broadcasts. AMELIA SPENS: They were always worse when he hadn’t had his Viscount biscuits. SAM YAO: Guys, they haven’t noticed your headsets. Keep heading west. We’ll work something out. Just stay away from Abel. There are zombies massing at our fence right now. JANINE DE LUCA: Friends, we apologize. Colonel De Luca demands many of us act as decoys to guard her from the army of assassins sent to kill her. EVANS: We heard about that army, didn’t we? Broadcast 221. JONES: 24. Glad you’ve seen reason. AMELIA SPENS: Now we’ve told you our names, so why don’t you tell us yours? JONES: I’m Jones. This is Evans. AMELIA SPENS: Very good. I’m Amelia Spens, a person of no consequence. You’ve established that you will not speak to Five here, but perhaps you’d like to know that this is Jody Marsh. She’s very personable. JANINE DE LUCA: What? JONES: Oh, we’ve heard of you, Jody. We like you. JONES: You don’t need to hide your accent from us anymore, Jody. JANINE DE LUCA: at JODY’s accent Oh… wey aye, you’ve found my secret. I’m right perplexed - accent No… AMELIA SPENS: whispers That’s Newcastle. Jody’s from Liverpool. JANINE DE LUCA: accented I can’t fool you, can I? I’m Jody, and I’m in love with Sam Yao. SAM YAO: I’m having so many confused feelings right now. EVANS: It is her, it’s Jody! I’ve always wanted to meet you. JONES: Oh yes, we have. AMELIA SPENS: whispers How is it possible you speak nine languages fluently and can’t do a passable British regional accent? JANINE DE LUCA: in own accent I grew up in Pakistan and I have no access to ? phonetics tapes. loud, accented Why have you wanted to meet me… big boy? What’s your interest in little Abel Township, Evans? EVANS: Well, Jody, you see, we’ve heard that Abel knows things. SAM YAO: whispers Okay, guys. Plan: keep going. We’ll have a sniper waiting at the bottom of the hill. Run toward the green barn as soon as you hear the duck call. And we’ll pick them off. JONES: Something’s not right here. This is wrong. Abel’s that way. I’m not an idiot. You can’t deceive me with your tricks, Jody. I should shoot you right now for this! gunshots SAM YAO: Oh God, you’re behind a tree on my cams. What’s happened? AMELIA SPENS: whispers Jones has shot into the air. loud You don’t need to do that, Jones. JANINE DE LUCA: accented If you shoot us, no one will let you into Abel. moan SAM YAO: Guys, those shots are attracting… the inevitable. JONES: gunshots There are zombies, and I don’t care. I’ve got 20 clips. I’ll keep going! Being eaten is better than what we’ve lived through. gunshots Take us to De Luca now! gunshot AMELIA SPENS: Yes, all right, we will! It’s along this field and down to the next one to the north. Let’s run! SAM YAO: You’re keeping pace with the zoms for now, but you’re heading for a massive horde closer to Abel. We have a new plan. If they want Janine, we’re going to give them Janine. In the form of Jody. Cat suit, eye patch, and all. AMELIA SPENS: Which might not matter if that Janine also doesn’t give him whatever it is he wants. Wait. Jody is dressing up in a cat suit and an eye patch right now? Be still, my beating loins. JANINE DE LUCA: We will try to find out what we can. Divide and conquer. loud, accented Mr. Jones, I liked how you fired the gun back there. You were so devil-may-care. Would you care to - I mean, I’d love to hear about your life. Anything you want to tell me. JONES: Really? JANINE DE LUCA: accented I like bad boys… like Sam Yao. at a sinister laugh JONES: Oh… I’d love to talk to you, Jody. Evans, you take the gun and cover the others. Five, we’ve got an eye on you. If you give us any trouble, Evans’ll shoot you. So run! SAM YAO: Guys, you’re heading for Abel, and oh, look. You’re going to run straight into the horde in a few minutes. Lord knows why there are so many of them around just now. But we can’t tell if there’s a V-type amongst them. We’re sending Jody to meet you. Just, just… sighs Look, don’t laugh when you see her cat suit. It’s the best we could manage with black rubbish bags, Sellotape and paper clips. AMELIA SPENS: Sounds marvelous. I mean, Evans, I would love to see your full collection of Golightly tapes. EVANS: After we meet Janine, yeah? Hey, I could also play you my collection of bird calls if you like. AMELIA SPENS: Oh, you like birds? I love birds. Do you see over there? The crested falcon stooping over the field? EVANS: Where? AMELIA SPENS: There, look! Shield your eyes with your hands. Look, I’ll just take that for a sec so you can see it. rustles EVANS: I can’t see a falcon. AMELIA SPENS: But you can see me with your gun. laughs Jones, Evans, this ridiculous charade is at an end. I have the gun. You two are nincompoops and have made me look ridiculous, which is something I cannot forgive. Please do bugger off home. JONES: You gave her the gun? You gave her the gun? EVANS SAM YAO: Did - did he just hit Evans in the mouth? JANINE DE LUCA: She’s bleeding quite badly. Mr. Jones, your plan is at an end. Tell us why you wanted to find Janine De Luca. JONES: It’s not over. You don’t know what we’ve done. I’ve planted a device in Abel. You’ll never find it without me. It’s a Ministry experiment. It attracts zombies. They’re coming to Abel right now! SAM YAO: Uh, yeah. That is accurate. Biggest horde we’ve seen in ages. And not distracted by noisemakers. JANINE DE LUCA: Miss Spens, you have the gun? AMELIA SPENS: What? Oh, you want me to help you? SAM YAO: … Amelia? AMELIA SPENS: Sorry, I’m just working out if it’s to my long-term advantage if Abel is spared from destruction or not. SAM YAO: … And? AMELIA SPENS: Evans, Jones, take us to your zombie attractor right now. If you do, you’ll meet Janine De Luca. And if you don’t, I’ll shoot you both. Carrot, stick. You see? Come on. Run. SAM YAO: Right, there are zombies basically everywhere, but Jody’s coming out to meet you. bags rustle JODY MARSH: Um, hello. I understand you are Jones and Evans. You wish to meet me, Janine De Luca? AMELIA SPENS: That is a cat suit made of plastic bags. It’s quite a thing. JONES: Janine De Luca, at last. JODY MARSH: That’s correct. Tell me where your zombie attractor device is and I will tell you whatever you want. JONES: How do we know we can trust you? JODY MARSH: For good or ill, I keep my promises. EVANS: That’s right! That’s what Ian said about her in 173. It’s behind the latrines next to your solar collectors. JONES: What did you tell her that for? Why did you do that? Millie always said you were stupid. You are so stupid! EVANS: She… always keeps her promises! JONES: I knew this would happen. I can’t take you anywhere. You’re so stupid - and EVANS continue arguing in background SAM YAO: Five, I need you to leave Jones and Evans to argue it out. There’s a weak point in our back wall near the solar collectors, and those zoms are almost through. If they get in, and there’s a V-type in there, we’re toast. Please, Five. Go now. buzzes, gunshot, device shatters SAM YAO: Well done, Five! Thanks for smashing that thing. We really did nearly get got. And I think Jody/Janine is finding out what this whole thing’s been about. static EVANS: No, it’s okay. I think telling you is the right thing to do. We don’t want anything complicated, just the secret files that record what you did to Jones’s wife and my best friend Millie. She vanished on a transport from Routen Settlement. The Minister told us Abel Township had captured her. SAM YAO: Oh… now I feel bad for them. JANINE DE LUCA: We never captured her. JONES: Lies! I knew it. Nothing but lies from you and from Janine here. Evans, you gave up our only source of leverage. We’ll never find her. JODY MARSH: Look, I’m not Janine, I’m Jody. And this isn’t Jody, she’s Janine. There have been a lot of lies, but not by us. Apart from this Jody/Janine thing. Lies is how Sigrid ran her empire. She told everyone what they wanted to hear, blamed Abel for everything! EVANS: That’s what Millie always said. She said I don’t trust that Sigrid, and Golightly even less. They tell us what we want to hear. That’s just what she said. JANINE DE LUCA: She expressed those views openly? And she worked for the Edgeware Dragons, the Minister’s data storage center? EVANS: She was the clever one. Too clever for her own good, she said. JANINE DE LUCA: I’m sorry. It does seem likely that the Minister might have seen Millie as any enemy. She did not treat her enemies kindly. JONES: You’re lying! Have to be! Someone must know what happened to Millie. JODY MARSH: Sigrid kept people in the dark, sometimes literally! JONES: I won’t give it to you, then. JANINE DE LUCA: Give us what? JONES: I brought you the core of Sigrid’s computer. Well, not brought it. I know where it is. The one that ran the AI she used, ANNIE. JANINE DE LUCA: You have that? JONES: I’d have given it to you if you told us the truth. But now, I’ll find someone else who wants it. Category:Mission Category:Season Seven